Saturday, August 26, 2006

What a Heart Change!

Since we lost Baby Anna, I have to say I struggled. Struggled with God. To be more honest... I was MAD at Him. How could he take my baby away, as I hear of someone that aborted their baby... just because the baby wasn't "convenient". ARGH!! I couldn't read my Bible anymore... and trying to pray was like talking to air... Know what? I even doubted He was there.

But I watched... watched around me. I watched a couple that lost their 17 month old baby. When they talked about their God, they had this passion. When I heard Him pray, there was so much love and tenderness in his voice. How could they love a God that had taken so much away from them?? They seemed to have some sort of peace that I was missing.

Then there was a lady at church. As she told Bible stories, the passion in her was so unmistakable. Why did they have this passion, this love for God that I lacked??

I was always looking online, in book stores... looking for that Bibles study or that Bible version that was going to make God real to me. I know He exists, how can anyone doubt with this wonderful world... but why couldn't I find the key??

Then I heard a sermon online. It brought the plan of Christ so clear. I had heard it so many times, and it just never made sense... God wanted me to love and get to know Him... and to believe that Jesus died to make me "clean" in God's eyes. Jesus' blood covers all the dumb, bad things I have done in my life...the things that I would never want to share with anyone else...

What an amazing thing... What a freeing thing!! Why it never "clicked" with me before, I don't know. But I can read my Bible with excitement... This was written for ME! Before I always felt the Bible was written for someone else, someone smarter than I am. Now as I read the stories, Isee the love God has put in the Bible for us.

This has given me so much more peace about baby Anna's death and God's plan for my life. There isn't the hard feelings toward God... more of a peace.

Thank you Lord for waiting so patiently for me.


Blogger Adrienne said...

What a beautiful story! I loved reading about your journey to Christ. It's true that when you see people who should be absolutely destroyed having that "passion" for the Lord, you know it can only be supernatural. I lost one of my twin boys, Julian, almost a year ago now. The love of God has never been more real to me than when I lost him. I love this blog and will link it to my own. :-) May you and your family continue to be blessed until the day you are all reunited with Anna Lily.

October 21, 2011 at 6:43 AM  

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In the last three months, my life has been shattered and then glued together with the awesomeness of our God. Here is the story of our child that was due in April